As most of us intuitively know, American culture rubber-bands. One decade might be remembered for hair rock and bell bottoms and the next might be known for flannels and mopey white guys with guitars. The Oughts will be remembered for being the most culturally bland decade since the 1950s. The most memorable cultural artifacts from the past decade were a terrorist attack that spawned two questionable wars and the reality television show. It was the decade the corporations won for good in all walks of life. It was the decade we wanted to be a post-racial society so bad (and an end to the Bush/Clinton monarchy), we finally elected a cool, young half-black president.

Let’s face it. The Oughts were as mediocre as it gets and we were just as mediocre. We either diddled away our time watching stupid people get famous or we learned not to care about two wars that have lasted longer than both world wars combined. Then, in 2008, we thought we might have rubber-banded out of the American cultural cesspool, only to get Obama’s first year, which might be described as the year GOP-1 learned to hate GOP-2. We doubled-down on Afghanistan and Iraq, bailed out one corporations after another and spent the year debating a bloated bad bill. Barack is Republican enough that Starting A War When Your Poll Numbers Suck might actually be in Barack’s political playbook for Year 2.

Looking for something positive to remember in the decade of the Oughts is like looking in your old toy box for stuff to donate only to realize that you had nothing but crappy toys that not even the most destitute child would want.

Thank goodness there’s the next decade to screw up. And I, for one, believe that Americans are desperately seeking a way to redefine individualism and freedom outside of the self-imposed boundaries of the past. We strive to build a post-racial society and yet, sublimated racism is everywhere because people are more afraid of being labeled racist than being racist. We try to define our individuality without corporations, but anything remotely new or interesting is co-opted by corporations seeking to market to those seeking to define themselves outside the corporation. That song from that new band your friend recommended turns into a jingle for a Cadillac commercial almost instantly. Try to be an original and you’re more likely to see Pitchfork D. Urban Outfitter in the mirror.

Despite it all, I’ve never been more optimistic that a cool and truly unexpected cultural movement is coming this decade. The Tens will shock our staid, bland, apathetic culture of reality shows and American Idols and make us anew. I don’t know what the Tens will be known for, but I’m sure it’ll be 1) awesome, 2) original, and 3) better than the Oughts. Culture always rubber-bands and I can’t wait.

Here are a few predictions of what this next decade will bring:

Political correctness will fade and being a little racist will be okay. I find the sublimated racism we’ve been subjected to thanks to political correctness more offensive than actual overt racism. We’ve become the “I’m not racist, but…” culture. I predict that in the Tens, being overtly bigoted will come back into vogue. It might even become charming and funny, like an endearing dwarf. It’ll be a reaction to all this fake tolerance and sublimated, politically correct racism that explodes into Teabagger Rallies and fistfights on public transportation.

We’ll stop whining that the corporations are winning because they’ve already won. Sorry Professor Chomsky, the game’s over – time to retire. We’ll all have to join the mothership at some point. But more and more people are already starting to find creative ways to live outside of the mothership, while being fed by it.

We’ll learn to treat our politicians the way they deserve to be treated: figureheads that exist solely to make the Huffington Post saucier. The government will never be able to solve all our problems. It may not be able to solve any of them. It may even make our problems worse. From Nancy Pelosi’s face to Michelle O’s arms to how-in-the-world-did-Eliot-Spitzer-score-a-Slate-column-faster-than-his-last-escort, the circus is just that: a circus. This will be perhaps the greatest aspect of this decade: we’ll finally realize that government is totally irrelevant piece of entertainment.

Photo by Flickr user Bah Humbug