What to wear to the after party of the longest and most lame election campaign in U.S. history:

* Well, if you’re stoked on having the young, articulate, not-white dude in the white house, in spite of his tired and centrist platform, you’ll likely be celebrating this evening. To paraphrase Chris Rock, this is a year for black people to wear suits. And since we’re talking politics, let’s make it a really boring navy blue suit, something très Beltway, eh? White folks can try to fake some cultural understanding by accessorizing their skirt suit with traditional African jewelry or replacing that white dress shirt with a Mos Def t-shirt (Def, BTW, says Obama is better looking that McCain, in case you hadn’t noticed).

* McCain winning is gonna feel kinda dirty. Their after party will suck and if you can’t afford the Neiman Marcus shopping spree, well, you know, I don’t know why I’m even talking about this. If McCain wins, go home, put on your sweat pants get drunk by yourself. The hang over will feel better than sobriety.

* And if you didn’t vote, or you voted for someone else, or you are generally appalled by the system, and you think it particularly matters who keeps us in Iraq and who doesn’t do shit about domestic capital flight, declining social services and the deplorable state of education in This Great Nation, then I suggest you recycle that outfit you wore to protest the DNC and/or RNC. You know, that black one that was kinda messy with the balaclava. It looked almost working-class and totally hopeless. You can really take this outfit from day to night with a classy vintage gas mask and a crow bar.